One of my children is questioning their gender, and they seem at ease with non-binary. I found this out yesterday, so I’m approaching this gently, though I feel ill-prepared. I want to be who they need.
I’m curious about the experiences of other parents, or stories about your parents learning to adjust if you came out to them.
Follow-up: Thank you all so much for your stories and your feedback!
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One of my kids is non-binary and have been for mayve 6 years. I still get the pronouns wrong now and then but most of the time I succeed. Been a long way getting there, and a lot of help from my non-binary sibling who calls me out whenever I fail.
Disclaimer##
I am cishet without experience here. This is what I would do. Might not be perfect, but most things is okay if there is lots of good intentions and love 😊
I would be honest. You are allowed to have feelings and be conflicted. You are however not allowed to make this about you. When talking about it, be careful and sensitive. Anger or denial should be suppressed. Talk to someone else if you feel that way. Your role is not to stop it, but to stay close and be loving. Do not ask too many questions about “Are you sure? Maybe its just a phase? etc”. Your long term relationsship depends on how you handle it. Handling it perfectly is less important than showing lots of love and support.
“I support you and love you no matter what”
“i might not react or handle everything correctly, but want to learn and support you”
“Does this mean there might not get grandchildren? If so, that’s a shame, but not the end of the world”
“I am unsure how I can help you make the right decisions for you going forward, is it okay if I suggest seeing a therapist to help you navigate this? Not to stop you, but just to help you find out what you need.”
“You can talk to me about anything, I might not always understand, but will read about it and try to educate myself”
Wouldn’t care or even change anything. In Finnish hän is gender neutral anyway.
Only difference is I’d suggest they look into maybe going into a professional field that can research biological transition even better, so they can maybe discover a pill that lets them change sex all the way without surgery or something one. Never know.
In the meantime, I’d start to put aside a “trans surgery” fund for them.
Mum of a trans daughter here.I just thought AHA that explains some things. I had long expected her to come out as gay, trans hadn’t occurred to me. I support and love her best I can.It has been a pretty steep learning curve and trying to get her on various waiting lists was a nightmare.
But she is having her nose op today and Adams apple if all goes to plan (its the NHS,). I really do not care,she is my daughter and her happiness is the most important thing. I do worry a lot though,it is dangerous out there for her.
Trans and British? Damn, good luck to your daughter.
Yeah its getting a little iffy just the now what with Reform stirring up hate. Thanks though I will let her know.
That’s rough… I wouldn’t want to be British
Not my kid, but my best friends, and I babysit a lot.
Couple things you might not think about, or might overthink.
The biggest one for me was that I kept mis-gendering the kid for like a month, but I didnt realize that how I was reacting to doing so was worse than the misgendering itself.
Generally speaking, people understand that there is a transition period, you have thought of this person as a he or a her for their whole life, suddenly swapping pronouns isnt easy. If you get it wrong, thats ok, dont make a big production of it, just correct yourself, say sorry and try to do better.
I was making sure to really get across that I was sorry, and eventually I got told that it was stressing the kid out, because it was now a big thing that I got it wrong.
I learned, and they relaxed a lot when the next time I misgendered them, I just went “hes a good kid…sorry, shes a good kid” and that was that.
I’ve experienced the other side of this. I know my mother had a hard time at first, and for a while she was mourning me, which was weird to experience, but eventually she realized I’m still the same person and I’m just being more myself.
My best advice is to listen to them. My mother was very convinced it was a phase for years and wouldn’t let me take hormones despite the very many times I tried to prove to her it’s not. Eventually she agreed and after my first appointment she told me she’d never seen me that happy since I was a little kid.
(Not every trans person wants to medically transition and that’s okay too. That’s why I say to listen to them. They know what they want and have probably put a lot of thought into it already.)
Honestly, a little shocked. Only because I would be also be discovering that I’m a parent.
Funny! But not useful. Kind of a shame it’s the top comment
People really don’t know when its appropriate to joke around. I guess the [serious] tag thing, that is (was?) in use in /r/askreddit should be thing here as well.
Occasional jokes in a topic filled with mostly serious answers is not problematic, especially ones that aren’t at the expense of anyone else. I think the joke was appropriate. Especially on a platform that is lucky to get 30+ comments on a post, it being top comment is not going to overshadow the others. Most people can read all of the comments in a few minutes anyway.
Similar situation: I’ve switched from saying “daughter” and “sister” to “child” and sibling. I’m not perfect at it yet and it doesn’t even appear that important to them, but I’m trying.
It’s not easy to switch pronouns after using one for so long, but, if you’re trying, it’ll show. Just be supportive and help how you are able.
My first born came out as gender fluid. It is not something i understand, but I was fully supportive of it.
You’re good people.
I’m curious what adjustments are actually needed. why would tomorrow be different from today or yesterday? you’d still be their parent. just be happy they are who they are, nothing but a few words should be different imo. I’ve never gone through this but logically thinking about it, I see no reason for you to have to act, or treat them any differently then you do today.
I would like to think that it’s as simple as acceptance, but they’re so young, they didn’t have a name for what they were feeling. They’ll have to learn about sex, gender, and attraction from us. I also have to watch out for machismo baggage, social issues at school, and signs of distress. Part of the anxiousness is also not having support systems for this; we have no one to turn to in our family.
But certainly, acceptance is the primary, paramount focus.
If you have the resources, find a therapist that specializes in gender identity. A family therapist can support you and your child. With the popularity of online therapy, it is much easier to find the specific therapist you need.
There are also tons of parents groups that can offer community and help in your journey as you learn to support your child.
It’s really special that you are reaching out and doing all you can to be the parent they need.
You already have all the right concerns and considerations. Just go with the flow, your kin couldn’t be in better hands
I have. Adjust seems like the wrong word.
Might as well ask, when your kid got married, how did you adjust.
If anyone is adjusting, it’s them.
It’s a stage of life. Just because some paths are not considered the default, that doesn’t make the parent involved in some unique way.
Might as well ask, when your kid got married, how did you adjust.
I mean, that is an adjustment because something changed.
Queer parent with a queer kid here. I’ve been on both sides of this situation.
The best thing you can do is be openly and actively supportive of your child. Leave them with no doubt that you love them, you recognise them and are happy for them and that you will support them.
After that, just listen to what they need.
If you can do that, the rest doesn’t matter. You will absolutely fuck up and say the wrong thing at some point. That’s fine. It’s inevitable. What’s important isn’t avoiding the situation, but how you respond after. If they know that you love them, that you’re trying your best, and you can learn from your mistakes, that’s what matters.
Your kid will tell you what they need, even if it’s just the space to work out what they need. Just listen :)
When you get it wrong, which you will, just correct and move on. Make a separate acknowledgement that you will make mistakes but your intention is to get it right. Make those two separate things, don’t make the moment of you getting it wrong the time you affirm your intent, keep them separated and they will both be more effective.
Also, ask them if they would like to go clothes shopping, in person or online, and support them in trying things that they have not yet been comfortable trying.
Being supportive isn’t about perfection. It is about effort. Your effort shows your care and consideration which in turn show your love and regard. Be there, be involved as is wanted, and be willing to accept making a mistake as you learn together. That is worth more than any amount of perfection that cannot be provided. Remember, the effort is the display of love, messing it up is something that happens along the way, keep trying and things will work out.
my brother who I basically raised was gay/pan at first. his life/his call. now he’s into fundie jesus shit but you know, same rule still applies.
his happiness is the goal above all else and my job is to not hold him back from that
I never would have come out to my parents. They would not have handled it well. Our kids have come out to us, and we’ve reassured them that it doesn’t matter. We had kids to love them and raise awesome adults, no matter what.
My advice is to tell them that this takes time for you to adjust. Old habits are hard to break. One kid has been on HRT for over a year and eeeeeeeevery once in a while I’ll call them their birth gender. Kids don’t understand that we view them as a sum of all their life. They only view themselves in that instant. No matter that my trans kid is Gender A now, I still have sooooo many memories and pictures of them as Gender B, and I love that part of them, still. I love both periods of my kiddo’s life.
